Common Sense Cell Phone Regulations

There are reports of three recent incidents in Missouri of foreign men making bulk purchases of disposable cell phones at Wal-Mart.

Cell phones are very dangerous in the hands of terrorists, criminals, and psychopaths. They can be used to plot terror attacks, as detonators for IEDs, and to send texts that traumatize college students with heteronormative microaggression triggers.

Because cell phones are so dangerous, it is obvious that some “Common Sense” regulations are required in the interests of Public Safety. Obviously, no one on the secret, Government-controlled, no safeguards, no due process, no appeals Terror Watch list should be allowed to by a cell phone.  Many states have wisely enacted bans on using cell phones while driving, but since drivers still do, these bans obviously do not go far enough. You shouldn’t be allowed to transport a cell phone in your car. Ever. At a minimum, the cell phone should be locked up and its battery locked in a separate case; mimicking “common sense” laws in NJ, California, and Maryland regarding firearms. Likewise, the state should be able to prosecute you for having a cell phone in your car even if it is unusable.

All cell phones should be restricted to ten minutes of call time. This will not eliminate terror incidents, but will reduce the ability of terrorists to use their phones to plan mass-murder. After all, does anyone really *need* a plan with unlimited minutes? If you question any of these prohibitions, you are obviously in the pay of Big Telecom or an ignorant bigot who values your freedom to own a cell phone over the lives of other people.

After all, if it saves even one life, it’s worth it.

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